$$$???

I've started to read this book. I'm not sure if it's helping me or not. I've come to terms with the fact that he most likely will never leave his wife. I'm OK with that. The book basically is telling me I should use him, like he's using me. I don't know if this applies to our relationship. Well, maybe it does. I told him I wanted more money (remember he's my boss), a new apartment (one bedroom -- no more roommates), and a new car (mine is falling apart).
This arrangement is supposed to be for the next two years, until I graduate from school.

Prostitution much?
I dunno.

He's thinking about it...and still thinking about what he's going to do about his marriage.

I'm just confused. And sort of not.

blahhh

I miss him. A lot. This is not easy. I want to call and hear his voice. I haven't heard from him in three days. I ordered this book off of Amazon. It's a book for "the other woman." I'm hoping it helps me through this bullshit I've found myself in. I still miss him. 

calling his bluff

I guess I should mention that I have broken things off with Bossman. It's been a week now. I told him I loved him but I could no longer be a band-aid for his marriage. I'm not wired to be second in a relationship, I'm WAY too selfish. I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted. Is this the way he wants to spend the rest of his life? He agreed with me and we decided to take a break so he could figure things out. 

I told him I'd wait for him until January. If I'm not kissing him at midnight on New Year's Eve, I'm moving on. New year, new me. 

I guess I should also mention that I haven't always been in love with Bossman. In fact the first six months of our relationship, I was seeing someone else. He was the office manager in my apartment complex. I knew I never wanted to fall in love with Bossman, so as a way of protecting myself, I decided to give my heart to someone else. Worst. Mistake. Ever. The guy I was seeing turned out to be a jerk and left me in shambles. Bossman was there to pick up the pieces. 

Through our entire relationship I've tried to help his marriage. I know that sounds absolutely insane but it's very true. As much as I wanted Bossman to be mine, I wanted even more for him to be happy. 

I'm not an idiot. 

I knew the one thing that would make him happy is to have his family and his wife be an actual wife. I suggested books and Oprah shows about relationships. I told him to stop treating his wife like a goddammed princess and make her work for his affection again. I told him to redecorate their bedroom (yes, I've been to their house) because it looked so dull and gloomy and not a place for romance and passion. I told him to start making himself a challenge again. Just like men, us women never tire of the pursuit. I wanted desperately for her to open her eyes. I think part of me only wanted this to happen so that karma would be kind to me when I decided to wed. 

Still, nothing. After going over things in my head, I realized I didn't want this anymore. It was obvious he was never going to leave his wife. I'm only hurting myself and losing my own self-respect. So I called his bluff. We've eliminated seeing each other and only communicate through occasional texts and emails. He tells me he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I tell him I'm not holding my breath. 

Red Flags

When Bossman first told me he hadn’t had sex in two years I couldn’t believe it. How can someone just not have sex for two years? What happens to you during that time? Do you start watching porn a lot more?Masterbate every chance you get? Think about sex everytime you see an attractive person? 

Then he told me his wife doesn’t touch him. At all. “What do you mean?” I asked. “I mean there is not kissing or hugging or cuddling. We peck goodbye on our way out the door every morning but that’s as far as it goes.” 

I thought about this for a few minutes, imagining my life in a sexless marriage. I contemplated what it would be like to never have my husband want me enough to touch me. All I could feel was sadness for Bossman. 

I asked why the fuck he was still married. He told me he had two beautiful sons who were 7 & 9 that he couldn’t bare to hurt with a divorce. He also told me that even though he wasn’t receiving any kind of affection from his wife, he still loved her and found her very attractive.

Why wouldn’t he? She was beautiful. She was a doctor with her own practice and appeared on the news as the “go-to-know-it-all-doctor.” They had two beautiful children together and he had dedicated the past 20 years of his life to her. 

He told me he’d been in and out of marriage councelling with her for five years. He told me he’d done everything: Vacations to exotic places, flowers every day, romantic candlelight dinners for the two of them THAT HE COOKED, gifts, etc, etc. He’d tried everything to get some kind of affection out of her, even long conversations about how he has needs too, but still no response.  Everything he was saying was giving me a headache. This woman obviously doesn’t know what she has in front of her. 

Then, Bossman told me that they didn’t even have sex on their wedding night. I immediately stopped feeling sorry for him and wanted to throw the giant red flag that was waving around in my head in his face. “How did you not see that as foreshadowing!?” 

“Love is blind, I suppose. I guess I keep hoping things will magically change one day.” 

Maybe it was the wine, the candlelight dinner, or the feeling of pity I felt for him, whatever it was, it made me sleep with him that night. I never thought in a million years I’d be writing about how in love I am with a married man. How did I get here? 

Dizzy

I don’t really know where to start. I guess I could say that at the moment, my entire life is a lie. That got your attention, didn’t it? Well, it’s the truth. I used to have a blog that I’d write funny bullshit in. I still plan on writing funny bullshit, but I also plan on being 100% honest with myself and my readers. 

I’ve been having an affair with a married man for a little over a year. I should get that out in the open now so you can ask yourself if you want to keep reading. He’s been married for 18 years, has two kids, two dogs and two very successful financial businesses. I’ve been keeping this a secret from my friends and family for over a year and I feel like I’m about to explode. Keeping up with bullshit lies and secrets everyday definitely takes a toll on you.

He’s 23 years my senior and I’m completely in love with him. It started out as just a sex thing. Did I mention he’s sort of my boss? Yep, he’s also my source of income, great thinking Smits.

 By the way, my name is Smits.